THE OLD ME: PART 2
On June 3, 2011 I graduated high school even though I was 8 months pregnant. In just a few weeks I was going to become a teenage mother. At just 19 years old I wasnt ready for that! I wasnt prepared for what was about to happen in my life but I knew that I had made the decision to do the things I did and that rather I was ready or not I was about to have a baby boy.
June 26th, 2011 I went into labor at BILO! We managed to finish shopping and rush the groceries home and get to the hospital. I was scared. They did have to break my water and then when it came down the getting the epidural my little boys heart rate dropped and I wasnt dilating anymore. I wasnt sure what was going on. I was so scared. 2:26 am my 7 lb 12 oz baby was born VIA c section. He was so beautiful though. I didnt think I could love someone so much!
When Noah was born, I knew all the pain was worth it. But I was different. I had a new insight on life. Instead of me being the big and bad person I thought I was I went into postpartum depression! I felt as if I wasnt enough for him. Once he was two weeks old I became a single mother due to my partner at the time cheating on me. I was even more depressed then. Now as a 19 year old "child" the only thing I could think is I will not make it through this alone. But I managed to get through it. My life as a single mother was not an easy one. During this time, I was working a full time job and trying to start college. I never finished going to college due to trying to be a mom but its okay! If you are going through this, being a teenage mother just remember with God you can do anything.
After a few years of dating and thinking I found the right one but ended up not finding the right one, I started dating a child hood friend from church. He treated Noah as his own and I thought for sure I have found the one God sent for me. After few years of dating, we welcomed our baby girl, Abigail in January of 2015. She was so beautiful! 7 lbs 10 oz of pure beauty!
As all relationships, you have your ups and downs! This relationship didnt end well. It ended with us always arguing over things that aren't even important. Back to being a single mother. Some people think just because you broke up you are not a single mother if the other parent is helping but you are. If you dont live together and you have to care for the child 24 hours a day 7 days a week and the other parent only sees child once a week or few hours every other day, you ARE A SINGLE PARENT. Few years later of off and on with this person, we found out that I was pregnant again.
This time when I took that pregnancy test, the first thoughts in my mind were that:
"I know Im going to be doing this alone once again."
"Maybe I should not have this baby."
"I have disappointed my family."
"I dont believe in abortions, but I could give this child up for adoption."
A lot of things went through my mind. Now dont get me wrong, I wanted this child, I just thought maybe someone else could give him a better life since I was already struggling. But after a few days, I realized that God placed this child in my stomach for a reason. And even though I dont know that reason yet besides he is a blessing to my life just as his brother and sister are, I am sure I will be shown one day!
July 7th, 2017 is when my 8 lb 3 oz baby boy was born. He was definitely one handsome child!
My life was going to be hard now taking care of 3 children by myself but I knew God wouldnt put me through something He didnt know I could handle. These three beautiful children have blessed me so much and I have never once thought about doing anything that may jeopardize me being their mother because they are the most precious things and I would trade my three children for anything. But what I do know is that I really thought that I wouldnt be enough for anyone especially since I have 3 children. I know God puts us through things so that way we know Hes here and we cant lose faith in Him but let me tell you I lost all faith in him. I let everything else come to me and let the devil fight me for so long. As I am sitting here letting tears fall and typing this up, I realize that maybe I didnt disappoint my family, maybe if I just put my faith back into the Lord and serve for Him and live for Him and not for the world that he will take care of us.
I started back to church when I was pregnant with Lucas and rededicated my life to the Lord. One day after I have already had Lucas, I was invited to another church and once I sat through that service, I heard God tell me, "this is where I want you to be." I am still at 5 Point Church in Easley, SC. I serve in Kid Point during one service and I worship in another service. If you are reading this and need a church to come to let me know. We would love to have you.
I just got out of a relationship with the man that I was for sure God had hand picked him for me. We were going to get married this October. We planned on getting a new house for us and our family and possibly thinking about having another child since he didnt have any biological children. But then it hit him and I both the other day that we didnt want to ruin our 20 year friendship so that it would be better if we just ended things. He loves me and my kids and we love him but it is best since the things that have happened in our relationship that we end it and be friends so that way we dont end up ruining our friendship.
I am happy now and I am going to put a sign on my heart for UNDER CONSTRUCTION while I let God heal my heart and have faith in Him that He will help me through this hard time and He will provide as long as I live for him.
Here is a current picture of my children and I on Mothers Day 2019!
2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight